Mourn: Cry it out
The day he said everything's over, my world began to fall apart. I became so furious, hatred veiled my heart and blinded my thoughts. I resorted in desperation and isolation, with all the negative thoughts had me drowned into self-pity and grudge. In the long run, I haven't noticed the remaining life I have- my kids, and nearly compromising badly their presence and ignoring their affection.
Even with their presence, I still feel alone, badly hurt, and seemed nothing could take the pain away or make it a little less painful. As my mind was deteriorating, my body seemed to whither with it. I couldn't function due to the delusion I had kept in mind that everything that happened was just a nightmare and is unreal. I couldn't distinguish what's real and what's not anymore. During the day, I woke up so late, I didn't get enough food nor much drink, I was too lazy to get up and move. When the night comes, after everyone's settled, I sadly sat in the corner of my bed, and silently bursting into tears. The pain inside grew and hopelessness was all I could think of. So I cried and cried.
Unending thoughts of how come, why, and what-ifs, stayed in my mind for so long that I was reeled, became helpless, fragile, and vulnerable. I can't watch a couple in the movies, nor see them along the streets, because it annoys me, and more than anything else, it pains me with the flashing memories that I know could no longer happen. I spent days, weeks, even months of pretensions, I was mentally unstable, physically incapable, and emotionally battered. Is there any more, bigger, and much heavier loads and most life-ending suffering than this that life can offer to me?- I thought.
But I am thankful up to this day that I am born a cry baby, so sensitive, emotional, fragile, and with pure heart that let things flow with tears, and mourn for the loss. After the overflowing tears of sadness that filled my heart, I somehow felt relieved, and it didn't feel clogged up anymore.
I realized crying is a therapeutic way of letting out weariness, sadness, regrets, and unhealthy feelings. It's channeling ourselves to our inner selves, feeling every bit of emotions, thus, making us feel we're alive and breathing, with heart beating trying to tell us that as long as it beats, life can get better, it can heal, and move on.
Crying your hearts out isn't shameful, rather it shows innocence and purity. But other than that, we cry because we are humans not robots. As human, we grow and learn through everything that life throws at us. We are born powerful and in the likeness of God's image. Pretty much in His likeness- powerful, we can overcome everything, and God doesn't give us something we couldn't handle at all. And even if we couldn't handle things, He is always at our side desperately waiting to be called for.
Torn as I am, my faith and hope are restored for I realized that this is the normality in marriage where we sometimes overlook things that led us to this painful plight. Also my realizations include the inevitable nature of man-strong and will-powered. Yes, one day we mourn of the loss, but the next day we courageously face the new challenge in life. That's how we are- stupidly brave and stubbornly righteous.
Tonight's reflections
I thank God for the reconsideration I received and asked God if I should wait for the person.
He answered: "Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruits of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives early and latter rain."
-James 5:7
I asked for the second time if the person is really coming back and is he deserving the wait.
He answered: " Do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God."
-Romans 6:13
Love Hugs & Kisses ^_*
